#191
Artist: Nick Drake
Album: Bryter Layter
Year: 1970
Length: 39:09
Genre: Folk
“I’ve been a long time that I’m waiting
Been a long that I’m blown
I’ve been a long time that I’ve wandered
Through the people I have known
Oh, if you would and you could
Straighten my new mind’s eye.”
Aye. I can’t do this.
I can’t listen to another one of these albums. Don’t get me wrong, as far as folk albums go I actually really adore this one. Nick Drake is in top form here, creating some beautiful music that’s a little more upbeat than usual. I actually did enjoy this album in a very unexpected way and I think it’s great in ever way. However, I find it difficult to listen to music like this because it just depresses me. Usually, it wouldn’t be an issue, getting bummed out is not that big of a deal once in awhile, but recently it’s been a little tougher on the mental health due to the quarantine going on.
Recently, I’ve found myself falling down the dark rabbit hole of bad thoughts a lot. It’s not because I want to, but when you’re isolated and basically doing nothing, it’s hard for your mind not to go there. With no job due to the pandemic, no events to attend, no improv shows or social gatherings to look forward to, it can deeply affect you in a negative way. All this has caused me to lose my sense of purpose. I wake up every morning and feel like I’ve lost my purpose in my life. no goals to achieve, nothing to look forward to, just another day in quarantine. And although I do have many bright moments that keep me up, spending time with Amber, learning the bass, writing these posts, listening to an insufferable amount of music, reading, they all feel like fleeting pleasures, good while they’re happening but once I’m done I still feel hollow and empty. Which is sad because these are all things that do bring me a lot of happiness and joy and yet I’m leaving everything so unfulfilled. As if the weight of my loss of sense of purpose has been too strong, weighing me down so heavily that even those good things are struggling to pull me back up.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of feelings of invisibilty. Feeling overshadowed and invisible to my peers. It’s hard to be seen when you can’t go out and physically put yourself in front of people. I always felt that way when I could but now it feels amplified, bringing those feeling to heights I have never felt before. I feel I try so hard to do things but constantly get overlooked. I have countless examples of this but don’t feel it’s really necessary to delve into. But for one example, not long ago a peer of mine, who knows me well enough, was looking for people to guest on his podcast talking about movies. I thought, man I’m perfect for this! Film is my passion next to music, I studied film in university, I write about movies for a film blog, I even have my own podcast talking about film! There’s no reason, literally none, why I shouldn’t participate. I put my name expressing interest and… nothing. No message, no reach out, nothing. Episodes are airing and seeing some of the people whoa re appearing on it are leaving me not only confused but questioning myself. Why was I overlooked despite all my qualifications? Is it another case that as usual I’m just not good enough for people? Why doesn’t anyone ever acknowledge my existence and my skills? I fight everyday to overcome this but it makes it hard when you’ve felt invisible your whole life.
I know it seems kind of ridiculous that listening to this album could evoke these feelings so strongly in me. But it did, and it’s not really the music that did it, even though despite the upbeat jazzy feeling, it’s incredibly melancholic as an album. It’s not really the music itself but Nick Drake himself that reminded me of what I’ve been feeling. Reading up on him, it made me really sad. It’s sad that his music only became successful too late in his life. It would only be about four years from this album that he would be found dead from an overdose on his anti-depressants. Pills he needed to help with the deep depression he fell into that basically started with the failure of this album. Sure, he suffered some mental health issues before but the failure of this album is really what sent him off the deep end. Even though it would be critically acclaimed it was a commercial failure, just like I’ve been feeling, Nick Drake was overlooked, fell into the cracks and hidden int he shadows. Not acknowledged for the work he’s put out. I get it, I do and that scares me. Here’s a guy who put all his heart and soul into creating this music that he so passionately believed in, only to see it disappear into the ether. He made an album, a damn good one too, and despite how good it was, no one seemed to care or give it the time of day he deserved. No wonder he fell into the abyss of darkness so hard, this was all he had and he couldn’t get a fucking break.
It makes me sad and maybe that’s because I connect with Nick Drake as a person more than I connect with his music. But no one should have to suffer that fate. It’s an awfully terrible, shitty feeling to feel invisible especially when you feel like you’re really putting yourself out there for the world. It’s hard not to start feeling bitter against people who seemingly seem to get notice and attention so easily for almost nothing while you sit there putting in all your efforts and they feel their all for nought. I start to question why I’m doing anything in the first place. You can say I’m doing it all for myself, but if nobody cares or even acknowledges it than really what is the point? I want to keep doing things for myself because these are things I’m passionate about and genuinely make me feel good. but eventually something’s gotta give and the more you start to feel invisible the more it gets to you and the more you start to doubt your own worth.
Do you know what it feels like to be worthless?
I think Nick Drake did at some point and look where that led him. I’m hoping I’m not destined for the same path as he is, but I honestly really feel for him. He was so deeply affected by this that he couldn’t even perform music anymore, famously one of his final live appearances had him leave the stage halfway through one of his songs because he was so deeply wounded by these feelings. He was even described as looking “hunched, dishevelled figure, staring vacantly…ignoring the overtures of a friendly labrador or gazing blankly over Hampstead Heath.” by one of his peers during this time, a sentiment I can totally relate to because I’ve been there to. I’m sometimes still there, where simple pleasures bring you no joy and you just want to stare vacantly off into nothing.
Nick Drake’s story makes me sad, but only because I feel I can relate. There’s only so much you can take until it breaks you inside and I do my best everyday to keep myself together. I hope one day my time will come and I stay confident that I can stay strong until i break through the other side. I just wish Nick Drake had that chance as well.
Favourite Song: Hazey Jane II
-Bosco
Bosco's Modern Life 